How common are affairs among women? It's a harder question to answer than you might think. Accurate statistics are nearly impossible to find — and there are some very clear reasons why.
The Data Problem
For starters, most people won't admit to having an affair. Even on an anonymous survey, the shame and stigma are enough to keep people quiet.
People don't want to admit to having an affair. Even on an anonymous survey, they don't want to admit it.
Then there's the question of definition. What actually counts as an affair? There's no universal answer. The definition most people work with is narrow — and real life is anything but.
- Is messaging an old flame online an affair?
- What if nude photos were exchanged over several years?
- What if the connection was emotional but never physical?
- What if sex happened, but only once?
Without a shared definition, people can easily say, "What I did wasn't really an affair" — and the data stays murky.
There's also a cultural layer to this. Boys were often taught to brag about sex. Girls were taught something very different.
Young girls, we have been taught to lie about sex since we were teenagers.
So the data we do have? It's not reliable.
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A Generational Shift
Here's a simple way to think about how much has changed. Consider three generations of women.
Think about your grandmother's generation. Did she ever seriously consider having an affair? For most families, that's a firm no.
Now think about your mother's generation. Did any of the mothers you knew growing up have affairs — or even think about it?
And then think about today. Do you know a woman — a friend, a sister, an acquaintance — who has had an affair?
Chances are, you do.
Affairs are much more commonplace for women today than they ever were for even just one or two generations ago.
Men have had affairs since the beginning of marriage. For women, this is a much newer reality. The reasons behind that shift — and what's really driving women to affairs today — are worth exploring honestly.
The Generational Shift: Why Women Couldn't — and Now Can — Have Affairs
Affairs among women aren't a timeless story. They're a surprisingly recent one. To understand why, it helps to look back just two or three generations.
Grandmother's Generation: Too Much at Stake
For most women in that era, having an affair simply wasn't possible.
In my grandmother's generation, affairs were simply just too dangerous. You couldn't do that because it would put you and your children at too much risk.
If a husband found out and left, a woman had no financial safety net. No income. No way to support herself or her children. The risk wasn't just emotional — it was survival. So affairs weren't really a choice at all.
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Mother's Generation: Possible, but Still Risky
One generation later, things began to shift. Women started entering the workforce. A little more independence opened the door — just slightly.
But affairs in this era were still rare and often strategic. If a woman did stray, it was usually because she was quietly lining up her next relationship before leaving the one she was in. She needed to know she'd be okay before she walked away.
Women were earning more, but still not enough to fully support a family on their own. The stakes remained high. No mother was going to put her children's security at risk without a plan.
Today: A Completely Different Calculus
Fast forward to now, and the picture looks very different.
Today, if a woman is with a man, it's because she chooses to be with him. At least until she chooses otherwise.
Financial independence has changed everything. Women no longer need to stay out of necessity. They stay — or leave — by choice. And that shift in power has changed the landscape of relationships, including infidelity.
Affairs among women are far more common today than they were even 40 or 50 years ago. It's not that women have changed at a fundamental level. It's that their circumstances finally have.
How Emotional Affairs Become Physical: The Story of Reese
Sometimes the best way to understand something is through a real story. Here's one that shows exactly how an emotional affair can quietly become a physical one.
It Started as Catching Up
Reese — a client — reconnected with her high school sweetheart during the COVID lockdowns. It began online. Just two old friends checking in. How did your life turn out? How did mine?
Because the connection felt safe and familiar, the conversation flowed easily. She didn't guard herself the way she might with someone new. It felt harmless.
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Then It Got Deeper
After a few months, they started opening up about their marriages. Both were struggling. Both found comfort in knowing the other person understood.
Feeling deeply seen and heard and understood, something that she hadn't felt in her marriage for quite some time, they deepened their emotional connection.
That feeling — of being truly seen — is powerful. And it pulled them closer.
What neither of them realized at the time was that most long-term marriages go through these same struggles. The hard patches after 20-plus years together are common. But in the moment, it felt like proof that something was missing at home.
Nine Months of Daily Contact
For nine months, they talked every day. The emotional bond kept growing. Eventually, the pull was too strong to ignore. They decided to meet in person.
The anticipation, the risk, the build-up — it all made the meeting feel charged. And it didn't disappoint.
That meeting is when Reese felt the affair truly began. There was no more telling herself they were "just friends." No more calling it harmless.
How She Justified It
After that, they met in person every few months over several years. Reese found a way to make peace with it in her own mind.
She justified it by telling herself that she was not getting her needs met in her marriage. And so, this was just her way of getting her needs met.
Her needs for closeness. For intimacy. For passion. For feeling alive.
And honestly? Those are needs most of us share — especially in a long-term relationship. The question isn't whether the needs are valid. They are. The question is how we choose to meet them.
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The Two Primary Reasons People Cheat
Relationship therapist Esther Perel offers a simple but powerful framework: people cheat to either blow up a bad marriage or to endure a bad marriage.
Women cheat to either blow up a bad marriage or to endure a bad marriage.
Blowing It Up vs. Enduring It
Generally speaking, women tend to use affairs to blow up a bad marriage. Rather than having a hard, honest conversation about what isn't working, they start something new instead.
That's how committed we are to avoiding difficult conversations. We'd rather start an affair than have that really painful, difficult conversation.
Men, on the other hand, tend to use affairs to endure a bad marriage. They're not happy. They're not satisfied. But they're also not ready to leave. The affair becomes a way to get needs met while staying put.
Reese's story fits this second pattern. She wasn't trying to blow anything up. She was using the affair to endure a marriage she'd describe not as bad — but as boring.
So Why Not Just Leave? Or Work on It?
It's a fair question. If the marriage isn't working, why cheat instead of ending it or fixing it?
The answer comes down to two things: fear and hopelessness.
Ending the marriage feels terrifying. And working on it feels pointless — not because it truly is, but because they don't believe it will make a difference. It's a kind of giving up in advance.
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The Two Needs an Affair Meets
Here's where human nature plays a big role. An affair doesn't just feel good — it meets two powerful needs at once.
An affair meets two of our primary compulsory needs — we're able to avoid the discomfort of doing the hard work in the marriage, and we receive that immediate gratification, that dopamine hit.
First, it lets people avoid discomfort. No hard conversations. No uncertainty about whether the work will even pay off.
Second, it delivers immediate gratification — the dopamine hit, the fire, the desire. That feeling of being alive again.
Avoiding pain while gaining pleasure. It's a combination that's nearly impossible for human beings to resist. And that's a big part of why affairs are so hard to walk away from.
You Can't Get There From There: Why Affairs Block the Desire You're Seeking
Reese said something that stuck. She told her coach: "I want nothing more than to feel this way about my husband."
She wanted the chemistry. The desire. The passion. But here's the painful truth — her own actions were blocking her from ever having that.
This is what the concept of "you can't get there from there" means.
You can't get to a place of desire when you're still engaging with an affair partner.
You can't fully open your heart to your husband when half your heart is elsewhere. And every time things get hard in the marriage and she turns toward her affair partner instead, she's moving further away from what she says she wants — not closer to it.
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The Marriage Gets the Leftovers
There's another layer to this that's easy to miss.
She's bringing her best, most playful, most loving self to her affair relationship. But her marriage gets the woman who operates from a place of obligation, guilt, and fear.
The affair gets her energy, her joy, her presence. The marriage gets what's left over. And then she wonders why the spark isn't there at home.
You can't outsource desire and expect it to grow in the place you left behind.
Using Two People to Meet Different Needs
Reese was relying on both men — but for different things. Her husband provided safety, security, and stability. Her affair partner provided passion, adventure, and desire.
On the surface, that might sound like she was simply meeting her needs. But look closer.
She was using both of them. Each one served a function. Each one filled a gap.
Many people mistakenly call this love. And it's not. It's commerce.
It's a transactional way to be in a relationship. And while men have done this throughout history, that doesn't make it right — or make it who we want to be.
The Mirror Test
At the end of the day, we have to live with ourselves. We have to look in the mirror and feel proud of who we are and how we've shown up.
No one else needs to approve of us. But we need to approve of ourselves.
That's the real question underneath all of this. Not just what do I want? But who do I want to be?
Why Shame Doesn't Work — And What Actually Creates Change
I don't think that healing can happen where judgment is present.
Sharon's coaching starts with one simple principle: no judgment. For a woman to be truly honest — especially with herself — she needs to feel safe. And judgment destroys that safety.
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Most Women Are Struggling, Not at Peace
When women in affairs come to Sharon for help, they're rarely comfortable with their choices. Most are confused. They don't know how to get out. They don't know if it makes them a bad person. They're stuck.
So Sharon asks them a question that stops them cold:
"Why don't you just keep doing what you're doing?"
No one ever asks that. And it catches them off guard every time.
Shame Isn't Working
The world is already shaming these women. Friends, family, society — the judgment is everywhere. And yet, they're still in the affair.
Every woman who's involved in an affair, she knows what she should do. She knows. But she can't seem to make herself do it.
If shame were going to work, it would have worked by now. It hasn't. So why keep using it?
What Actually Creates Change
Lasting change doesn't come from guilt. It doesn't come from willpower. And it doesn't come from trying to avoid other people's judgment.
Here's why each of those falls short:
- Changing to avoid judgment — you just keep doing it in secret instead.
- Changing out of guilt — the change is temporary. End one affair, and another may follow.
- Relying on willpower — it always fades. Like dieting, it only lasts so long.
The only thing that has ever changed behavior long-term is when we choose for ourselves. When it's about who we want to be in our lives.
Real change comes from within. When Sharon asks, "Why don't you just keep doing what you're doing?" — and then simply listens — something shifts. The woman finds her own answer. Not Sharon's answer. Not society's answer. Hers.
That answer is the one she can hold onto when things get hard. And they will get hard. But a reason that comes from the inside doesn't fade the way willpower does. It's something she can stand behind.
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The Three Real Options When You're in an Affair
When you're caught up in an affair, it's easy to feel overwhelmed. There seem to be endless variables, endless "what ifs." That confusion keeps you stuck.
Confusion is a bit of an indulgence. It keeps us stuck.
The truth is, there are really only three options. And when you can see them clearly, you can actually make a choice.
Option 1: Stay in Your Marriage — and Fully End the Affair
This means turning back toward your marriage with your whole heart. Not halfway. Not with one foot out the door.
It means ending the relationship with your affair partner completely and genuinely recommitting. That includes looking honestly at what isn't working, taking responsibility for your part, and doing the real work — together.
This path might lead to a marriage that feels better than it has in years. Or it might show you, after a real and honest effort, that the relationship simply can't grow into what you need. Either way, you'll know. And that clarity matters.
One thing to be clear about: you cannot "put your affair partner on pause." You can't keep them waiting in the wings just in case things don't work out at home.
You can't fully open your heart to your husband if half your heart is with someone else.
That's playing with people. It's not fair to anyone — including you. Recommitting means letting go of that option entirely.
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Option 2: End the Marriage and See What the Affair Relationship Really Is
This path means leaving your marriage and giving the affair relationship a chance to exist in real life — openly, honestly, without secrecy.
Here's the thing: you don't actually know what that relationship is yet. You know what it feels like in the context of an affair — fueled by desire, novelty, emotional intensity, and the thrill of risk. But you haven't seen it without the contrast of a struggling marriage. You haven't lived it on a random Tuesday when neither of you slept well.
An affair shows you what's possible, but it doesn't necessarily show you what's sustainable.
Real life includes bills, bad moods, disagreements, and responsibilities. When brought into that reality, some affair relationships do deepen into something meaningful and lasting. It does happen. But others don't survive the transition.
This option requires radical honesty — especially with yourself. You're no longer using the relationship as an escape. You're letting it stand on its own. And there are no guarantees. But there aren't any in relationships generally.
Option 3: Stay Stuck in the In-Between (The Bad Option Most People Choose)
This is the path where nothing changes. You stay in your marriage and continue the affair — managing both worlds, waiting for something to force a decision.
Most of the time, that "something" is the spouse finding out. Then decisions get made fast and painfully.
Option three is a bad option, but most people choose it — the choice to stay stuck in the in between.
In the short term, this feels easier. But over time, it becomes exhausting. You're pulled in two directions. You carry the weight of secrecy. And somewhere inside, you know something isn't right.
Nothing resolves. Your marriage doesn't deepen. Your relationship with your affair partner doesn't grow into something real. And you don't move forward in your own life. You just stay stuck.
Most people choose this option not because they've thought it through — but because they haven't. They avoid making a choice, and that avoidance becomes the choice.
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The Difference Between Conscious and Unconscious Choosing
There's a meaningful difference between staying stuck by default and making a conscious decision about how you want to live.
When asked, "Why don't you just keep doing what you're doing?" — almost no one says that's what they truly want. Because most people, when they stop and really look at it, don't want to stay in the in-between. They want to move forward. They just need help finding the clarity to do it.
That clarity starts with seeing your options honestly — and then choosing, on purpose, who you want to be.
The Grilled Pineapple Option: There Are More Than Two Choices
When you're caught in an affair, it's easy to feel like you only have two choices: your husband or your affair partner. But there's a fourth option that almost no one considers — and it might be the healthiest one of all.
The Option Nobody Talks About
End the marriage. Then simply date.
Not necessarily the affair partner. Maybe someone new. Maybe ten new people. The point is: you don't have to walk out of your marriage and straight into another committed relationship.
Most people don't think this way. When someone in an affair decides to leave their marriage, they almost always assume they'll be with their affair partner. That's the only exit they can see.
But it's not the only one.
The Fruit Metaphor
Here's a simple way to think about it.
Imagine you've eaten apples your whole life. You like apples. They're reliable. They're good.
Then one day, someone hands you a peach. You think — how have I never had this before? The peach is amazing. Suddenly, apples feel boring.
Now you're stuck choosing between apples and peaches. Apples feel predictable. Peaches feel exciting. It seems like such an obvious choice.
But then — years later — someone serves you grilled pineapple.
You had no idea something could taste like that. You didn't even know it existed.
You think the only two options are apples and peaches. And I'm out here telling you there's things like grilled pineapple.
In this metaphor:
- The apple = your husband
- The peach = your affair partner
- The grilled pineapple = one of the other 7 billion people in the world
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The Binary Choice Is an Illusion
When you're married and in an affair, your mind locks onto two options.
When you're married and you're in an affair, you're like, "I have to choose between husband and affair partner." As if those are the only two options on the entire planet.
But that's not true. It just feels that way.
There are billions of people in the world. The idea that your only choices are the man you married and the man you're having an affair with — that's a very narrow view of what's possible.
We don't know what we don't know. And sometimes, the most freeing thing is to realize the menu is much bigger than you thought.
Why Opening the Marriage Is Not the Answer
When someone is caught between a marriage and an affair, a question sometimes comes up: "What if we just opened our marriage?"
On the surface, it sounds like a clever solution. But slow it down, and the real motivation becomes clear.
What you're really saying is I don't want to let go of my marriage and I don't want to let go of this other relationship, either.
It's not really about choosing non-monogamy. It's about not wanting to lose either option.
The Elephant in the Room
There's a detail that makes this idea fall apart quickly.
The husband doesn't know that the person being proposed is the affair partner — the same person who was part of a betrayal. If he knew that, the chances of him agreeing are very low. Most men would not say, "Sure, you can keep seeing the person you were cheating on me with."
So the proposal is built on something that hasn't been acknowledged or resolved. It sounds like a solution, but it's standing on shaky ground.
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What's Really Going On
This isn't a conscious, thoughtful choice to explore non-monogamy. It's an attempt to avoid a hard decision.
It's an attempt to create a version of the situation where you get to keep everything and no one gets hurt. And that version does not exist.
What's really being avoided is:
- The grief of letting go of someone
- The guilt of hurting someone
- The reality of making a clean, honest choice
Trying to keep everything feels easier in the moment. But it doesn't actually solve anything.
What Healthy Non-Monogamy Actually Looks Like
To be clear: there are couples who genuinely and thoughtfully choose non-monogamy. It does work — for some people, in some relationships.
But when it works, it starts with honesty, a mutual desire to open the relationship, a strong foundation of trust, and clear agreements between both partners.
That's not what's happening here. This is a reaction to discomfort, not a conscious lifestyle choice.
Delaying the Damage Isn't the Same as Avoiding It
Trying to move forward this way — especially without full honesty — doesn't protect anyone.
You don't avoid the damage. You just delay it, and often, frankly, you deepen it.
The pain doesn't disappear. It just gets pushed further down the road, and when it finally arrives, it's often worse than it would have been.
The only real path forward is an honest one — even when honesty is hard.
The Real Choice: Who Do You Want to Be?
If you recognize yourself in any part of this story, you already know something isn't working.
You feel the pull. The excitement. The escape. But you also feel the conflict. The weight. And that quiet knowing that you're out of alignment.
No amount of managing, hiding, or justifying will make that tension go away.
At some point, a choice has to be made.
At some point, you will have to choose. But not between two men. Between the woman you are right now and the woman that you want to be.
That's the real choice.
This isn't just about your marriage. It goes deeper than that.
This isn't just about your marriage. This is about your integrity. It's about your self-trust.
It's about being able to stand behind your life and feel proud of who you are.
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You Don't Have to Figure This Out Alone
If you're stuck in that back-and-forth — knowing what you should do but not being able to do it — that's exactly the kind of work a relationship coach can help with. You don't have to carry this alone.
One Last Thought
Before you close this page, sit with this question:
If nothing changes, where does this lead? Play it out. A year? 10 years? 20 years, 30 years, on your deathbed.
How does it play out?
That question isn't meant to scare you. It's meant to help you see clearly. Because clarity — real clarity — is where change begins.
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