Before you dive into the next call, I need to stop you. I'm "future John" — jumping in after this episode was already recorded. I have something important to say first.
I missed something in this call. And once you hear it, you'll probably be shouting at your phone, your car speaker, or your headphones. Trust me — I get it.
Here's what I want you to know before you listen.
I'm pretty sure after listening to this call that this man's wife is a significant challenge — it's a problem.
I believe that. But I also try my best not to bad-mouth someone's spouse when they aren't on the call. That's a line I work hard not to cross.
The bigger reason I didn't go there? It wouldn't actually help.
When someone calls in and says, "I'm lonely, how do I fix this?" — they can't fix their spouse. They can't change their spouse's habits, their choices, or their attitude. No matter how much they want to.
The only person you can change is you.
So in this call, you'll notice I kept the focus on the caller. What can he do? Why has his wife built a life that doesn't seem to include him? I have my suspicions. But throwing grenades at someone who isn't on the phone doesn't move anyone forward.
That's not me letting anyone off the hook. It's just being honest about where real change starts.
Go back to the one place where transformation happens — and that's in the mirror.
So as you listen, try to resist the urge to focus only on what his wife is doing wrong. Ask yourself: if I were in his shoes, what could I do differently?
That's the question worth sitting with.
And please — be kind in the comments on this one. It hits close to home for a lot of people.
Tom's Story: Feeling Excluded and Invisible
Tom called in feeling a little embarrassed. He said he knew John dealt with heavy stuff — marriages on the edge, real crises. But what Tom was carrying still hurt.
"I'm feeling a little bit excluded."
Here's his situation. Tom travels for work about four days every other week. His wife loves to travel too — but for fun, and mostly without him. This particular month, she had been gone a lot. Girls' trips. Weekend getaways. All without Tom.
The Double Standard That Stings
Tom had tried to bridge the gap. His work trips are usually just an hour or two flight away. He'd invite her to join him — come out for a night, take a Friday off, make a little weekend of it. Simple enough, right?
The answer was always no. Too hard to plan. Not enough notice. Some reason or another.
But Tom noticed something. When one of her friends called with a last-minute trip idea, suddenly it all worked out.
"If she wanted to do it there would be a plan B — like if one of her friends calls and says hey let's go here for the weekend, she'll find a way to make it work."
That contrast is hard to ignore. It's not about logistics. It's about priority.
A Painful Backstory
Tom's situation has more layers to it. When they got married, his wife had travel debt. They worked through it together, did Financial Peace University, and paid it all off. They became debt-free.
Then, a year and a half ago, Tom was refinancing their house. That's when he found out the truth.
"She had hidden a bunch of debt as well."
That's a gut punch. They dealt with it. They paid it off ahead of schedule. But the trust wound was real.
On top of that, Tom had been a single dad. When his kids were with their mom, he was grinding — trying to make ends meet. During that same time, his wife would send him emails about cruises and vacation deals. He couldn't afford any of it. He was just trying to survive financially.
Those memories don't just disappear. They pile up. And now, every time she announces another trip, those old feelings come rushing back.
He Doesn't Want to Become Resentful
What makes Tom's call so honest is this: he's not calling to complain. He's calling because he can feel himself changing — and he doesn't like it.
"I don't want to be resentful. I want her to enjoy the trips."
He loves that she's adventurous. He loves that she lives her life fully. But he's starting to feel like he's not part of that life. He comes home from a work trip to an empty house. She's off on another weekend away. And something inside him is starting to harden.
He can feel the resentment building. And he wants to stop it before it takes over.
A Symptom of Something Bigger
John's response cut straight to it. Tom's everyday life has already changed. The loneliness is real. But the travel issue? That's probably not the root problem.
What Tom is really describing is two people living parallel lives. His wife has built a world — a full, fun, active world — that doesn't seem to include him. And until they figure out why that is, the trips are just a symptom.
That's the harder conversation waiting ahead.
The Real Problem: Two People, Two Parallel Lives
John didn't dance around it. He named what was really going on.
Your marriage is running in parallel — you have two people living under the same house that are sharing the same name that have two completely different lives.
The trips, the girls' weekends, the last-minute getaways — none of that is the real issue. It's a symptom.
This travel, her going out of town with her friends, her world that she has curated that doesn't include you — that's but a symptom of a marriage running on two side-by-side tracks.
Two tracks. Same house. But never really together.
The Question That Actually Matters
John shifted the focus. He pointed out that Tom kept circling back to travel — vacation, trips, being left out. But that's the wrong question to be asking.
The right question is deeper.
Why does your wife exclude you from joy?
Not "why won't she travel with me?" but why has she built a whole world — a full, joyful life — that doesn't have a place for Tom in it?
To make it personal, John shared something from his own marriage. His wife doesn't love traveling with him. Why? Because John shows up with zero plan. No itinerary. Gets to the airport at the last possible second. Arrives at a destination with no hotel booked. That kind of chaos makes her feel unsafe and uncared for. So she'd rather not go.
That's a real, honest reason. It's not about the destination. It's about what it feels like to be with him on a trip.
Tom needed to ask himself the same kind of question — not about travel, but about home.
It's Bigger Than Vacation
John pushed Tom to zoom out. What does it feel like when you come home and she's there? What does it feel like when she comes home and you're there? How do you handle conflict? How do you show each other care? What's your intimacy like?
Those are the real questions. And John was direct: something is off in those areas. The travel is just where it's showing up.
He told Tom plainly — if he talked to Tom's wife, he'd bet travel wouldn't even come up. Travel is how she escapes. It's how she lives the life she doesn't feel like she can live at home.
Two Possibilities — Both Worth Considering
John laid out two honest options. Either she's being immature and selfish — building her own world because she doesn't want to grow up. Or Tom is hard to live with in some way he hasn't fully seen yet.
He used himself as an example. Years ago, John was an anxious wreck. Always worried. Always scheming. Always seeing disaster around the corner. He wasn't abusive. He wasn't unfaithful. But he was exhausting.
One day, sitting in his backyard, he told his wife he felt like she had created a world he wasn't part of. Her answer stopped him cold.
"I've had to."
Those three words sent him to get help. Because he realized he had made home feel like a place she needed to escape from — not because he was cruel, but because his anxiety and intensity made it hard to just breathe.
John doesn't know what Tom's version of that is. Maybe Tom is too tight with money. Maybe he's hard to please. Maybe he brings a heavy cloud into every room. Maybe it's something else entirely.
But the pattern is clear. Tom's wife has built another world. And she's not inviting him into it.
That's the real problem. And it won't be solved by booking a trip together.
Looking Inward: Are You Easy to Live With?
John challenged Tom to ask a hard question. Not "why won't she travel with me?" but something deeper.
Am I hard to live with?
There are two possibilities here. Either Tom's wife is immature and entitled — building her own world because she doesn't want to grow up. Or Tom is constricting in some way he hasn't fully seen yet. Maybe he's too rigid with money. Maybe he brings a heavy energy home. Maybe he's always right, always solving, always lecturing.
It could be that you would like to have a budget and you don't like to spend money y'all don't have and she's like I'm not gonna live like that.
That's a real tension. And it's worth sitting with.
John's Own Reckoning
John didn't just point the finger at Tom. He shared something personal.
He remembered sitting in his backyard in West Texas with his wife. He told her he felt like she had created a world he wasn't a part of.
Her answer stopped him cold.
I remember sitting down in my backyard in West Texas with my wife and I said — I feel like you've created a world that I don't live in. And she said, 'I've had to.'
Two words. I've had to.
Those words were one of the impetus for me to go get help.
He wasn't abusive. He wasn't unfaithful. But he was exhausting to be around. And he hadn't seen it — until that moment.
The Question Worth Asking
John's advice to Tom was simple. Don't start with the travel. Start with yourself.
Ask your wife honestly: Am I hard to be around? Have you had to build another world because being with me is tough?
Then let her answer. Don't correct her. Don't defend yourself. Just listen.
This won't be solved in one conversation. But it's the right place to start. Because the question isn't who's right. It's whether you're someone people actually want to be around.
The Conversation You Need to Have
Knowing something is wrong is one thing. Saying it out loud is another.
John gave Tom a practical way to start the real conversation — one that doesn't blame, but opens a door.
Own Your Feelings First
The first step is simple but hard. Stop saying "you hurt me." Instead, say something like:
"I've been asking about travel and I've decided to get my feelings hurt whenever you're gone."
That shift matters. It moves you from accusation to honesty. You're not pointing a finger — you're telling the truth about how you've been responding.
She doesn't hurt your feelings — you're allowing your feelings to be hurt.
That's not about letting her off the hook. It's about showing up to the conversation with humility instead of heat.
Ask the Bigger Question
Once you've owned your feelings, go deeper. Don't just talk about the trips. Ask the question that really matters:
"Are there other places in our relationship where I'm not showing up — where we are running parallel lives?"
This turns a complaint into an invitation. You're not trying to win. You're trying to understand — and to be understood.
Build Forward, Not Backward
The goal of this conversation isn't to relitigate old arguments. It's to figure out where you go from here — together.
Keep the focus on the future. What do you both want your marriage to look like? Where do you want to be part of each other's lives?
That's the conversation worth having. And it starts with you being willing to go first.
The Secret Weapon: Being Likable
John's biggest insight didn't come from a textbook. It came from his own struggle — with his daughter, and from lessons he picked up from Dr. Gabor Maté.
He started asking himself a different question:
What if I concentrated on being likable — not on always being right, not on always lecturing, not on always trying to solve every problem?
That one shift changed everything.
Small Acts, Big Results
John didn't overhaul his whole life. He just started showing up differently. He did the dishes — joyfully. He stayed up a little late. He was spontaneous. He stopped being the guy who always had a point to make.
And something remarkable happened.
I tell you what man, my whole house has changed. The marriage has changed. My relationship with my daughter and my son have changed.
Not because he fixed every problem. But because he became someone people actually wanted to be around.
That's the secret weapon. Not being right. Being likable.
The Final Challenge
John left Tom with one clear challenge. Stop focusing on the vacations. Stop keeping score on who goes where and who gets invited.
Instead, look inward. Become the kind of person your wife wants to include. Become a joyful presence — at home, in the small moments, in the everyday stuff.
The trips will sort themselves out. But only after the real work gets done.
You gotta heal from the inside out on this one.
That's where it starts. Not with a better argument. Not with a planned vacation. With you — and the kind of person you choose to be every single day.