Thesis: Marriage as a Humble Institution

Why Do So Many Marriages Fail?

The divorce rate in the Western world is very high. More than half of all marriages end in divorce. This is a scary fact for anyone thinking about getting married.

Many people debate why this happens. Some point to unfair incentives in the legal system. Women start most divorces, and some argue the system rewards them for leaving. These points have merit.

But there is a simpler answer. It cuts to the heart of the problem.

The Core Thesis

"The reason why most marriages fail is because marriage is inherently a very humble institution."

Marriage was designed to do one main thing: raise children. It is a humble institution with a simple purpose.

Today, we ask marriage to do much more. We pile on extra roles and expectations. We want our spouse to be our best friend, our therapist, our adventure partner, and our source of constant happiness.

This creates a mismatch. The institution was not built to carry all this weight. When we load it with too many demands, it becomes unstable.

The Problem with Modern Expectations

Marriage works best when it stays simple. But modern life has changed what we expect from it.

We live in a world with many external pressures. Technology and social changes add new burdens. For example, platforms like AshleyMadison and HeatedAffairs create marketplaces that put extra strain on relationships. These are just examples of how outside forces can destabilize what was meant to be a straightforward bond.

The institution cannot handle all these added pressures. It was never meant to.

A Simple Truth

Marriage is humble by design. It does one job well. When we respect that simplicity, it can thrive. When we demand too much, it struggles.

This talk explores why keeping marriage simple and humble is the key to making it work.

The Weight of Expectations: What People Ask of Marriage

Marriage Cannot Carry All This Weight

Marriage is a humble institution. It was built for one main job: to give people a place to raise children together. That's it.

But today, we pile so much more on top of it. Think of a bridge that collapses when too much weight crosses it. Marriage works the same way. It cannot support all the extra things we add.

A Long List of Demands

What do we ask of marriage today? Here is the list:

• Romantic love
• Exclusivity
• Duty
• Religiosity
• Sacrifice
• Security
• Legal status
• Social consequences
• Financial incentives

Each of these adds weight. The institution was never designed to carry all of this at once.

External factors add even more pressure. Modern technology creates new challenges. For example, platforms like AshleyMadison and HeatedAffairs represent marketplaces that can destabilize relationships. These are just examples of how outside forces burden what was meant to be a simple bond.

The Heaviest Burden: Romantic Love

"Of these many things it is love in the sense of romantic love that is heaviest to bear."

Of all the things we pile onto marriage, romantic love weighs the most.

We have created something called the "love marriage." This mixes two very different things:

1. The love affair - passion, romance, excitement
2. The domestic partnership - raising children, managing a household, daily life

These are not the same. A love affair is about feelings and passion. A domestic partnership is about teamwork and practical tasks.

When we expect one person to fulfill both roles perfectly, we set ourselves up for failure.

Expecting Too Much from One Person

In the past, people had extended families and communities. Different people met different needs. Your spouse was your co-parent. Your friends gave you companionship. Your family provided support.

Today, we expect our spouse to be everything:

• Our best friend
• Our therapist
• Our adventure partner
• Our financial partner
• Our romantic lover
• Our co-parent
• Our social companion

No single person can fill all these roles well. It's too much to ask.

The Mismatch Problem

Marriage works best when it stays simple. It does one job very well: creating a stable place to raise children.

When we ask it to do ten jobs, it struggles. The institution cannot handle the load.

This is not about blame. It's about understanding what marriage was designed to do. When we respect its humble purpose, it can succeed. When we demand too much, it buckles under the weight.

Work vs. Marriage: Institutions with Humble Functions

Marriage Was Not Designed for Everything

Marriage was not built to do it all. It was not designed to be both a place to raise children and a container for passion and fulfillment. These are two very different things.

Think of it this way: Lamborghini does not make minivans. Each vehicle serves a different purpose. You cannot expect one to do the job of the other.

Love is just one of many things we now pile onto marriage. But the institution was never meant to carry all this weight.

The Same Problem Happens with Work

We see a similar trend in how people think about jobs today. The function of a job is simple.

"The function of a job is to provide people with an opportunity to earn money in exchange for a service — that's it."

Everything on top of that is extra weight. The institution of work was not designed to support it.

What a Job Is Not Meant to Be

A job was not designed to be fulfilling. It was not meant to be a source of meaning. It was not meant to give you an identity. And it certainly was not designed to be exciting or fun.

The institution of a job was created to do one thing: let people earn money in exchange for a service. Anything beyond that is more than the institution was built to handle.

The Parallel with Marriage

Just like work, marriage has a humble function. It was designed to give people a stable place to raise children. That is its core purpose.

When we expect marriage to also provide constant romance, personal fulfillment, adventure, therapy, and a complete social life, we ask too much. The institution cannot support all these roles at once.

Why This Matters

Both work and marriage are institutions with narrow, practical functions. When we respect those limits, they can succeed. When we demand too much, they struggle and often fail.

It is unreasonable to expect a job to provide full personal meaning and identity. In the same way, it is unreasonable to expect marriage to shoulder everything.

Social Expectations Are Unrealistic

Today, many people treat marriage like a catch-all. They expect it to handle:

• Identity
• Friendship
• Therapy
• Fulfillment
• Romance
• Parenting
• Financial security

No single institution can do all of this well. When we pile on these expectations, we set marriage up to fail.

Permission to Simplify

Understanding the humble function of marriage gives us permission. We can decouple marriage from other life functions. We do not need our spouse to be everything.

Just as a job is meant to provide income, marriage is meant to provide a stable partnership for raising children. When we keep it simple, it works better.

External pressures add even more weight. Modern technology has created new challenges. For example, platforms like AshleyMadison and HeatedAffairs represent marketplaces that can destabilize relationships. These are examples of how outside forces burden what was meant to be a straightforward bond.

The Key Takeaway

Marriage and work are both humble institutions. They were designed for specific, practical purposes. When we honor those purposes, they can thrive. When we demand too much, they buckle under the weight.

Keep it simple. Respect the limits. Let marriage be what it was meant to be.

Kurt Vonnegut and the Loss of Extended Family

A Simple Truth About Marriage

"You are not enough people."

This quote from Kurt Vonnegut captures a powerful idea. It explains why so many modern marriages struggle.

How Marriage Used to Work

For a long time, marriage was simple. It was two people joining together for one purpose: to raise children.

You did not have to love your spouse. You did not even have to like them very much. Marriage was more like work. It was a partnership with a clear goal.

Think of your co-workers. You do not get to choose them. You do not need to love them. You just need to work together to get the job done.

For a long time, people did not get to choose their spouses either. Marriage was about function, not feelings.

The Role of Extended Family

Back then, people were not alone. They had extended families. These families provided many things:

• Social support
• Friendship
• Help with children
• Emotional connection
• Practical assistance

Your spouse was your work partner. But you had many other people to meet your other needs.

What Happened to Extended Families?

Over time, extended families broke apart. People moved away. Communities became smaller. Nuclear families became isolated.

Now, a married couple stands alone. They do not have the same network of support. They must handle everything themselves.

The Pressure on Modern Couples

When extended families disappeared, couples had to fill all those roles. Your spouse became:

• Your only close companion
• Your emotional support
• Your best friend
• Your therapist
• Your social life
• Your co-parent

This is too much for two people. No couple can be everything for each other.

Vonnegut's Insight

Vonnegut saw this clearly. When he said "you are not enough people," he meant exactly this.

A nuclear couple is too small. Two people cannot replace an entire extended family. They cannot meet all of each other's social and emotional needs.

The structure has changed. The support system is gone. But the expectations have grown.

The Result

This structural change made marriage more fragile. It put too much weight on the relationship. Spouses now carry burdens they were never meant to carry alone.

Modern pressures add even more strain. Technology and social changes create new challenges. For example, platforms like AshleyMadison and HeatedAffairs represent marketplaces that can destabilize relationships. These are examples of how external factors burden what was meant to be a straightforward partnership.

The Key Takeaway

Marriage was designed to work within a larger social network. It was never meant to stand alone.

When extended families dissolved, couples became isolated. They had to be everything for each other. This is an impossible task.

You are not enough people. And you were never meant to be.

Historical Context: Marriage, Religion, and Social Control

How Marriage Changed Over Time

Marriage has not always been what it is today. It has changed many times throughout history. Understanding this history helps us see why modern marriages carry so much weight.

Marriage Started as a Practical Tool

In the beginning, marriage was simple. It was a practical social institution. Its main purpose was to create stable families and raise children.

Marriage helped society stay organized. It prevented children from being orphaned or left without direction. When parents stayed together, children had a better chance at life.

This was about social control and stability. It was not about love or romance. It was about keeping society running smoothly.

Marriage Became a Religious Sacrament

For centuries, marriage remained a practical arrangement. Then something changed.

"Marriage didn't become a sacrament of the Catholic Church until 1563."

This is an important date. It came more than 1,500 years after Christ. For all that time, marriage was not a religious sacrament.

When the Catholic Church made marriage a sacrament in 1563, it added new meaning. Marriage became infused with religious and moral weight. It was no longer just a practical arrangement. It became a holy bond.

This shift added new expectations. Marriage now carried religious duty and moral significance. The institution grew heavier.

Marriage Norms Varied Widely

Throughout history, marriage took many forms. Different cultures and religions had different rules.

Some religious founders and leaders were celibate. They chose not to marry at all. Others practiced polygamy, having multiple spouses.

Monogamous romantic marriage is just one model. It is not the only way marriage has existed. It is historically contingent—shaped by time and culture.

This shows us something important: the modern idea of marriage is not universal. It is a product of specific historical changes.

The Love-Centered Ideal

Over time, marriage changed again. In recent centuries, romantic love became central.

The "love marriage" is a modern invention. For most of history, people did not marry for love. They married for practical reasons: land, alliances, children, survival.

Today, we expect marriage to be built on romantic love. This is a new idea. It adds even more weight to the institution.

External Pressures in the Modern Era

Modern life brings new challenges. Technology and social changes create pressures that earlier generations never faced.

For example, platforms like AshleyMadison and HeatedAffairs represent marketplaces that can destabilize relationships. These are examples of how external social and technological factors burden modern marriages. They were not issues in earlier times.

A Timeline of Change

Here is a simple timeline showing how marriage evolved:

1. Ancient times: Marriage as a practical social tool for raising children and maintaining stability
2. 1563: Marriage becomes a Catholic sacrament, adding religious and moral weight
3. 18th-19th centuries: The rise of romantic love as a basis for marriage
4. 20th century: Marriage becomes centered on personal fulfillment and happiness
5. 21st century: Technology and social media add new external pressures

Each stage added more expectations. The institution kept getting heavier.

Why This History Matters

Marriage was originally a humble institution with a simple function. Over time, we layered on religion, romance, morality, and personal fulfillment.

Each addition made marriage more complex. Each change asked more of the institution than it was designed to give.

When we understand this history, we see the problem clearly. We have taken a simple tool and loaded it with centuries of added meaning. No wonder it struggles under the weight.

Key Takeaways

• Marriage started as a practical way to raise children and maintain social order
• It became a religious sacrament in 1563, adding moral and spiritual weight
• Marital norms have varied widely across cultures and time periods
• The modern love-centered marriage is a recent invention
• Each historical change added new expectations to the institution

Marriage was not always what it is today. It has been shaped by history, religion, and culture. Understanding this helps us see why it struggles now.

Restoration: Simplicity, Humility, and Practical Steps

The Central Problem

Marriage today carries too much weight. It was designed to do one thing: provide a stable place to raise children. But we have piled on many other roles and expectations.

We ask our spouse to be our best friend, therapist, adventure partner, and source of constant romance. We expect one person to replace an entire extended family. This is too much.

"To save marriage it needs to be returned to its essential state which is one of simplicity and humility."

Return Marriage to Its Simple Purpose

The solution is to strip away the extra weight. Let marriage be what it was meant to be: a humble partnership.

This means clarifying expectations. Marriage does not need to provide everything. Your spouse does not need to be your everything.

When you respect the simple function of marriage, it can thrive. When you demand too much, it buckles.

Redistribute Social Roles

You cannot expect one relationship to replace many. You need other people in your life.

Here is how to rebuild your social support:

• Reconnect with family - Reach out to relatives. Build stronger ties with siblings, parents, and cousins.
• Invest in friendships - Make time for friends. Schedule regular meetups. Friendships need care and attention.
• Join community groups - Find groups based on your interests. This could be a sports team, book club, volunteer organization, or hobby group.
• Seek specialized support - If you need emotional help, see a therapist. If you need spiritual guidance, join a faith community.

Each of these relationships takes pressure off your marriage. Your spouse does not have to be your only source of connection.

Set Realistic Expectations

Understand the difference between passion and partnership. A love affair is not the same as a domestic partnership.

Marriage is about teamwork. It is about raising children, managing a household, and building a life together. These are practical tasks.

Romance and passion are wonderful. But they cannot be the foundation of a stable marriage. They come and go. Partnership is what lasts.

Here are realistic expectations for marriage:

• Your spouse is your co-parent and life partner
• You will not always feel romantic passion
• You need other people for social and emotional support
• Marriage requires work, not just feelings
• Your spouse cannot meet all your needs

When you set these expectations, you remove the pressure. Your marriage can breathe.

Practical Steps to Strengthen Your Marriage

Here are actions you can take today:

1. Talk about expectations - Sit down with your spouse. Discuss what you each expect from marriage. Be honest. Clarify what marriage can and cannot provide.

2. Build your social network - Make a list of people you want to connect with. Reach out to one person this week. Schedule time with them.

3. Find specialized support - If you need help, get it. See a therapist for emotional support. Join a support group if you are struggling. Do not expect your spouse to be your therapist.

4. Simplify your demands - Write down what you expect from your spouse. Cross out anything that is not essential to partnership or parenting. Focus on the basics.

5. Invest in community - Find one group to join this month. It could be a church, a gym, a volunteer organization, or a hobby club. Show up regularly.

6. Accept imperfection - Your marriage will not be perfect. Your spouse will not fulfill all your needs. That is okay. Lower the bar and appreciate what you have.

Understand External Pressures

Modern life adds new challenges. Technology and social changes create pressures that earlier generations never faced.

For example, platforms like AshleyMadison and HeatedAffairs represent marketplaces that can destabilize relationships. These are examples of external social and technological factors that burden modern marriages.

Be aware of these pressures. Protect your marriage by setting boundaries with technology. Limit social media. Guard your relationship from outside influences.

The Path Forward

Marriage can work. But it needs to be simple and humble.

Stop asking your spouse to be everything. Build a network of relationships. Seek support from many sources. Let marriage do what it was designed to do.

When you remove the extra weight, marriage becomes lighter. It becomes easier. It becomes sustainable.

You are not enough people. And that is okay. You were never meant to be.

Take Action Today

Here is your challenge:

• Reach out to one friend or family member this week
• Have an honest conversation with your spouse about expectations
• Join one community group this month
• Seek professional help if you need it

These simple steps will take pressure off your marriage. They will give you the support you need.

Marriage is a humble institution. Treat it as such. Let it be simple. Let it be what it was meant to be.

When you do, it can thrive.