Why We Need to Learn to Love

Love Is Universal, But We're Never Taught How

Think about a child, a close friend, or a romantic partner. The word love comes to mind. And with it comes a rush of feelings: joy, hope, excitement, trust, and security. Sometimes sadness and disappointment too.

Love connects all of us. Yet here's something interesting: we're never taught how to love well. We build friendships and start dating. We get married and bring babies home. We're expected to just figure it out.

We Often Hurt the People We Love

The truth is, we often harm the ones we love. Sometimes it's subtle:

• Guilting a friend into spending time with you
• Sneaking a peek at your partner's texts
• Shaming a child for not trying hard enough at school

Every single one of us will experience unhealthy relationship behaviors. And every one of us will do unhealthy things. It's part of being human.

Relationship Abuse Is More Common Than You Think

In its worst form, harm shows up as abuse and violence. The numbers are startling:

• One in three women experience relationship abuse in their lifetime
• One in four men experience relationship abuse in their lifetime

When you hear these stats, you might think, "That would never happen to me." It's natural to move away from words like abuse and violence. We think they happen to someone else, somewhere else.

But the truth is, unhealthy relationships are all around us. We just call them different things. We ignore the connection.

Abuse sneaks up on us disguised in unhealthy love.

The Story Behind One Love

One Love is an organization started by a family whose daughter Yardley was killed by her ex-boyfriend. No one saw this tragedy coming. But when they looked back, they realized the warning signs were there. No one understood what they were seeing.

His actions were called "crazy" or "drama" or blamed on "too much drinking." People didn't see them as clear signs of danger. Her family realized something important: if anyone had been educated about these signs, her death could have been prevented.

Three Goals to Help Everyone Love Better

One Love has three main goals:

1. Give us a language for talking about a subject that's awkward and uncomfortable to discuss
2. Empower friends to help, creating a whole front line of support
3. Improve everyone's ability to love better

To do this, we need to start by shining a light on the unhealthy signs we often miss.

Overview of the Five Markers

Using Lighthearted Content to Talk About Serious Topics

Most of One Love's content is serious. That makes sense, given the topic. But today, we're using something different. We're using a lighthearted piece called "the couplets."

Why? Because it helps start conversations. It makes a tough topic easier to discuss. And it still makes you think.

The Five Markers of Unhealthy Love

To do this, it's always important to start by illuminating the unhealthy signs that we frequently miss.

There are five key markers that point to unhealthy love:

1. Intensity — When affection becomes overwhelming
2. Isolation — Losing your support system
3. Extreme jealousy — Possessiveness and mistrust
4. Belittling — When words become weapons
5. Volatility — The relationship roller coaster

Why These Markers Matter

These five signs are common in young relationships. But they show up at any age. They're easy to miss. We often call them other things. We say someone is "just really into you" or "protective" or "passionate."

Learning to spot these markers helps us see what's really happening. It gives us words to talk about it. It helps us support friends who need help.

Starting the Conversation

These markers are great conversation starters. They help us talk about things that feel awkward or uncomfortable. They help us recognize unhealthy patterns before they become dangerous.

In the next sections, we'll look at each marker more closely. We'll use examples. We'll ask questions that help you reflect on your own relationships.

The first step is always awareness. Once we can see these signs clearly, we can do something about them.

Marker 1 — Intensity: When Affection Becomes Overwhelming

What Is Intensity?

At first, a new relationship feels amazing. There's a rush of affection and emotion. You feel excited. You feel lucky. It's like you've hit the jackpot.

This is normal. The early days should feel good.

But in unhealthy love, something shifts. The excitement becomes overwhelming. The affection becomes suffocating. You start to feel it in your gut.

Abusive relationships don't start out abusive. They start out exciting and exhilarating.

What Does Intensity Look Like?

Here are some common examples:

• Saying "I love you" much faster than you were ready to hear it
• Texting and calling constantly
• Showing up everywhere you go
• Getting impatient when you don't respond right away, even though they know you're busy

These behaviors might seem sweet at first. But over time, they can feel controlling.

How Intensity Shifts Over Time

The key is how things evolve. It's not about how a relationship starts. It's about how it changes.

At first, the attention feels flattering. Later, it might feel like pressure. You might feel like you can't breathe. You might feel like you're losing space to be yourself.

Questions to Ask Yourself

Pay attention to how you're feeling. Ask yourself:

• Am I comfortable with the pace of this relationship?
• Do I have room to breathe?
• Do I feel like I have space for my own life?
• When I ask for what I need, are my requests respected?

Trust your gut. If something feels off, it probably is.

What You Can Do

Start practicing now. Use your voice to talk about your needs. Set boundaries early. Notice when you feel uncomfortable.

It's okay to slow things down. It's okay to ask for space. Healthy love respects your pace. Healthy love gives you room to grow.

Marker 2 — Isolation: Losing Your Support System

What Is Isolation?

Isolation happens when your partner slowly pulls you away from your friends and family. It's a gradual shift. Your support system starts to fade. You become more and more tethered to your partner.

This is one of the most frequently missed signs of unhealthy love.

Why Is Isolation So Easy to Miss?

Every new relationship starts out with an intense desire to spend time together. That's normal. It feels good to be close to someone new.

But over time, something can shift. What started as wanting to be together becomes cutting you off from everyone else.

Isolation creeps in when your new boyfriend or girlfriend starts pulling you away from your friends and family, your support system, and tethering you more tightly to them.

What Does Isolation Look Like?

Here are some examples from real relationships:

• Your partner schedules exclusive days together, like "Monday Funday" or "Tuesday Snooze Day," filling up your entire week
• They discourage you from making plans with friends
• They make it hard to see family or keep old friendships alive

How Partners Sow Seeds of Doubt

Isolation often involves putting down the people you care about. Your partner might say things like:

• "Why do you hang out with them? They're such losers." (About your best friends)
• "They want us to break up. They're totally against us." (About your family)

These comments plant doubt. They make you question the people who care about you. Over time, you might start to believe them.

What Healthy Love Looks Like

Healthy love includes independence. Two people love spending time together. But they also stay connected to the people and activities they cared about before.

At first, you might spend every waking minute together. That's okay. But over time, maintaining independence is key.

Actions to Resist Isolation

You can protect your relationships and your independence. Here's how:

• Make plans with friends and stick to them
• Encourage your partner to do the same
• Stay connected to your pre-relationship life
• Notice if your partner is sowing doubt about your friends or family
• Recognize signs of tethering

Questions to Ask Yourself

Pay attention to how your social life is changing. Ask yourself:

• Am I seeing my friends and family as much as I want to?
• Does my partner support my outside relationships?
• Do I feel guilty when I make plans without my partner?
• Has my partner said negative things about the people I care about?

If you notice these patterns, it's time to talk about it. Healthy love gives you space to maintain your support system.

Marker 3 — Extreme Jealousy: Possessiveness and Mistrust

What Is Extreme Jealousy?

Some jealousy is normal in any relationship. But extreme jealousy is different. It goes beyond mild insecurity. It becomes demanding, invasive, and controlling.

Jealousy is a part of any human relationship, but extreme jealousy is different.

When Does Extreme Jealousy Show Up?

As the honeymoon period fades, extreme jealousy can creep in. What felt sweet at first now feels suffocating. Your partner's behavior shifts from caring to controlling.

What Does Extreme Jealousy Look Like?

Here are some common examples:

• Needing to know where you are all the time
• Demanding to know who you're with constantly
• Following you everywhere, both online and offline
• Checking your phone, your social media, or your location without permission

The Tone of Extreme Jealousy

Extreme jealousy has a different feel than normal jealousy. It comes with:

• A threatening edge
• Desperate energy
• Anger and accusations

This isn't about feeling a little insecure. It's about control.

Possessiveness and Mistrust

Extreme jealousy also brings possessiveness and mistrust. Your partner might:

• Accuse you of flirting with other people
• Accuse you of cheating, even when you haven't
• Refuse to listen when you try to reassure them
• Refuse to believe you when you say they have nothing to worry about

No matter what you say, they won't be reassured. The accusations keep coming.

How Extreme Jealousy Differs from Normal Jealousy

Normal jealousy can be talked through. A partner might feel insecure, but they listen. They trust you. They work through it.

Extreme jealousy refuses to be reassured. It refuses to listen. It escalates into more possessiveness and control.

The Impact of Extreme Jealousy

Extreme jealousy breeds mistrust. It makes you feel like you're always doing something wrong, even when you're not. It can escalate into more controlling behaviors.

Love shouldn't feel like this.

What You Can Do

If you're experiencing extreme jealousy in your relationship, here are some steps:

• Set boundaries around your privacy
• Communicate your expectations around trust
• Notice if accusations are becoming controlling or abusive
• Seek help if the jealousy escalates

Questions to Ask Yourself

Pay attention to how jealousy shows up in your relationship. Ask yourself:

• Does my partner trust me?
• Do I feel like I'm constantly being accused of something?
• Am I being followed or monitored?
• Does my partner listen when I try to reassure them?

If the answers concern you, it's time to talk about it. Or it might be time to seek help.

Marker 4 — Belittling: When Words Become Weapons

What Is Belittling?

Belittling is when someone uses words to shame, mock, embarrass, or silence their partner. It's when conversations shift from fun to mean. Words become tools to hurt instead of heal.

In unhealthy love, words are used as weapons.

What Does Belittling Look Like?

Here are some examples from real relationships:

• Making dismissive comments about your studying or work
• Calling you "stupid" or other hurtful names
• Making jokes at your expense in front of others
• Telling embarrassing stories about you for laughs

These might seem like small things at first. But over time, they add up.

The Pattern of Belittling

Belittling follows a predictable pattern:

1. Your partner says something that hurts you
2. They laugh it off or minimize the hurt
3. When you object, they accuse you of overreacting
4. You're told you're "too sensitive" or asked "What's your problem?"

You end up feeling silenced. You start to doubt your own feelings. You wonder if maybe you are overreacting.

The Consequences of Belittling

Belittling has serious effects:

• It erodes your self-esteem
• It silences your voice
• It isolates you through shame
• It makes you feel less confident over time

Words that tear you down can be just as harmful as physical actions.

What Healthy Love Looks Like

Your partner should have your back. Their words should:

• Build you up, not break you down
• Keep your secrets
• Show loyalty
• Make you feel more confident, not less

Conversations should be fun and lighthearted. Even when you disagree, respect should remain.

What You Can Do

If you're experiencing belittling, here are some steps:

• Name the behavior when it happens: "That comment hurt me."
• Set boundaries about disrespectful language
• Seek supportive peers or counselors to validate your experiences
• Trust your feelings—if it hurts, it matters

Questions to Ask Yourself

Pay attention to how your partner speaks to you. Ask yourself:

• Do I feel respected in conversations?
• Does my partner make jokes at my expense?
• Do I feel silenced when I try to express hurt?
• Am I accused of being "too sensitive" when I share my feelings?

If you answer yes to these questions, it's time to address the pattern. You deserve words that lift you up.

Marker 5 — Volatility: The Relationship Roller Coaster

What Is Volatility?

Volatility is when your relationship feels like a roller coaster. It's full of extreme ups and downs. You break up and make up over and over again. The highs are very high. The lows are very low.

Frequent breakups and makeups, high highs and low lows.

What Does Volatility Look Like?

Here are some common examples:

• Tearful, frustrated fights that leave you drained
• Emotional makeups that feel intense and dramatic
• Hateful and hurtful insults like "you're worthless" or "I'm not even sure why I'm with you"
• Quick apologies and promises that it will never happen again

The Cycle of Volatility

Volatility follows a predictable cycle:

1. Tension rises and a fight breaks out
2. Hurtful words are exchanged
3. Your partner apologizes and promises to change
4. Things feel good again for a while
5. The cycle repeats

Each time the cycle repeats, you become more used to it. You start to think this is just how relationships are.

The Danger of Conditioning

As tension rises, so does volatility. By this point, you've been conditioned to this relationship roller coaster. You may not realize how unhealthy your relationship has become. You may not see how dangerous it could be.

The repeated cycles teach you to tolerate extreme behavior as normal. But it's not normal. And it's not safe.

When Volatility Becomes Dangerous

It can be really hard to see when unhealthy love turns into abuse. But here's what you need to know:

• The more of these markers your relationship has, the more unhealthy it is
• The more unhealthy it is, the more dangerous it could be
• The frequency of the cycles matters—if they're happening more often, the risk increases

A Critical Warning About Breakups

Leaving a volatile relationship can be a trigger for violence. If you fear escalation, do not leave without a plan. Breaking up can be the most dangerous time.

What You Can Do

If you're experiencing volatility in your relationship, here are some steps:

• Recognize the pattern and name it
• Track how often the cycle repeats—is it getting more frequent?
• Consult experts before deciding to leave if you fear escalation
• Reach out to trusted friends, family, or professionals for support

Questions to Ask Yourself

Pay attention to the patterns in your relationship. Ask yourself:

• Do we break up and make up frequently?
• Are the emotional swings getting more extreme?
• Do I feel like I'm on a roller coaster?
• Have the cycles become more frequent over time?
• Am I afraid of what might happen if I try to leave?

If you answer yes to these questions, it's time to seek help. You don't have to navigate this alone.

When to Seek Help & How to Leave Safely

Why "Just Break Up" Can Be Dangerous Advice

When a friend is in an unhealthy relationship, our first instinct is often to say, "Just break up and leave." It's advice we give all the time. It feels like the obvious solution.

But here's what many people don't know: breaking up can be dangerous. The time of a breakup can be a real trigger for violence. It can be the most dangerous moment in an unhealthy relationship.

If you fear you might be headed towards abuse or in abuse, you need to consult with experts to get the advice on how to leave safely.

When to Seek Help

If you recognize multiple warning signs in your relationship, it's time to reach out for help. Don't wait until things get worse. Seek support if:

• You see several of the five markers showing up in your relationship
• You feel afraid of your partner
• You're worried about what might happen if you try to leave
• You've experienced threats or violence

Who Can Help You

You don't have to figure this out alone. There are experts who understand these situations. They can help you create a safe plan. Reach out to:

• Domestic violence hotlines — Trained counselors available 24/7
• Local shelters — Safe spaces with resources and support
• Counselors and therapists — Professionals who specialize in relationship abuse
• School counselors or campus resources — If you're a student
• Trusted friends and family — People who care about you and can help you strategize

Creating a Safety Plan

Leaving an unhealthy or abusive relationship requires planning. Experts can help you create a tailored safety plan. Here are some general safety considerations:

Assess Your Risk

• How frequent are the unhealthy behaviors?
• Have they escalated over time?
• Has your partner ever threatened violence?
• Do you feel afraid?

Plan Your Exit

• Choose a safe time and place to leave
• Identify where you will go
• Know your escape routes from your home
• Have a code word to signal friends or family if you need help

Secure Important Items

• Gather important documents (ID, passport, birth certificate, insurance papers)
• Secure access to money or open a separate bank account
• Make copies of important documents and store them safely
• Keep a bag packed with essentials in a safe place

Document the Abuse

• Keep records of incidents (dates, times, what happened)
• Save threatening messages or emails
• Take photos of injuries if there are any
• Keep evidence in a safe place your partner can't access

Build Your Support Network

• Tell trusted friends or family members what's happening
• Let them know your plan
• Identify who can help you when you're ready to leave
• Don't isolate yourself—stay connected to your support system

Prioritize Safety Over Speed

When risk is present, leaving should be done carefully. Safety is more important than speed. It's okay to take time to plan. It's okay to ask for help.

Don't let anyone pressure you to leave before you're ready and have a safe plan in place.

Help Is Available

You are not alone. Many people have been where you are. Many have left safely with the right support. Help is available, and you deserve to be safe.

Reach out. Talk to an expert. Create a plan. And remember: leaving is possible when it's done safely.